I think this picture of Billy Corgan is here because I’ve been thinking a lot about when I was a teenager. There was this brilliant few years where I had come to some semblance of peace with having grown up as a boy and was in many ways enjoying the experience.
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I’m doing pretty well this weekend. Have been taking my time getting my work room set back up. I decided to not pressure myself since it’s a holiday weekend, but now it’s getting late and I really need to finish everything up.
It’s strange saving money on a dead line. I’ve been avoiding coming right out and talking about it, but I’m kinda getting sick of writing these blogs with veiled references to what is going on in my life. I thought it might be better to hold back a little bit and have some personal things stay personal.
… but that’s not my style. I think I was becoming intimidated by so many people who don’t -really- know me writing comments and sending emails of support and love, and I was feeling pressured to somehow return the favor, but I didn’t know how.
Truth is, I enjoy biographing to the world, but I don’t think I really enjoy discussing such things one-on-one with people I hardly know.
I think it’s a real shame though, about the internet and doing this bleeding heart thing and then having strangers want to connect and comment, because I believe if I were a more social animal, and the internet was more of a virtual space, and life had less time limits, I think I might actually like to get to know all my virtual friends and acquaintances… but then I think about wanting to spend time on music and being creative and I can’t imagine I’d have time for too many people in my life.
That was part of my revelations recently while hanging out with Josh. He’s a real people person. I don’t think a few hours ever went by with out him talking to someone on the phone or in person, and from what I know of him and stories he’s told, he personally knows a lot of people.
I can’t imagine having so much of my time involved with general chit chat and hanging out so casually, or even professionally. I’d go crazy if it was a part of my weekly routine, though I dunno… maybe it’s just where I am now. I have such a tight deadline and so much fucking money to save + I’ve created such an efficient machine, I simply can’t waste time like I used to.
I think that’s another part of it as well… so much of my life I was like a feather on the wind because I felt I didn’t have a life, forced to live as a guy… bound to so many things I can’t even begin to describe the horrors of… so much freedom and love and pleasure denied by the culture I grew up in… the fucking south.
I’m bitter as fuck. Fuck it. I deserve to be. Tired of feeling guilty for being angry at what I had to go through. It was shit. I had a shitty life. Yes… grew up middle class… had food and shelter and a family that stayed together… never physically abused… never molested… family vacations… boy scouts… friends… but it was all a fucking facade. It was a perfect life for a little boy who wanted a little boy’s life in the south.
The problem was, I was a free spirited, west coast adventuring, hippie girl… and I knew something was wrong the first moment I laid eyes on that god forsaken trailer park I grew up in… when they told me to put on a guy’s dress shirt for the school photo. I knew something was wrong but I also knew I’d get my ass kicked for trying to live life any other way… because I’ve always been a smart kid… a smart, frightened little girl. :(
So yeah… side stepping laying shit on the line. I’m sure I’ve said it recently… think it may have been in a blog I deleted, but regardless, I feel like I have to be open about it again… I’m getting facial surgery in a few months, and unless I’m not reading the universe right, everything should line up perfectly to have the money saved just in time.
The surgery lasts 10 hours. I will have parts of my skull shaved, smoothed, removed, repositioned, screws and wire and skin sliced away. In a week I will look relatively presentable. In a few months the bruising will fade. In half a year most of the swelling will go down. In a full year the scars should be fading.
I will lose feeling in my scalp. I may lose sensation in part of my lips, chin, and around my forehead. The doctor I’m going to is the best, but for those who have seen me before, or know that I have had surgery, I’m pretty sure it will look as though “I’ve had some work done”, but you can’t expect perfection in a world where doctor’s still have to use knives, chisels, and dremel tools to do bone work.
I’m not getting more work done than I need… just enough to remove the masculinization that has occurred on my face through the unfortunate lack of estrogen in my system (high forehead contour, heavy brow, long chin).
You know, I’ve probably written all of this before, and for those who have been following me for years, you know this story… but as I have mentioned before, this is the sad state of affairs in my life… one doesn’t simply attain nearly $50k overnight to get corrective surgeries taken care of that the insurance companies and government label as “cosmetic” enhancements.
… but dear god it’s all almost over. Two months till facial surgery… then five months till the vaginoplasty… then a year to full recover from both surgeries… then hopefully a few decades before my body starts failing and hopefully by then the US healthcare system will be such I will never have to worry about saving up money for major surgery ever again.
I’m tired. I need to get back to setting up my work station.
I just needed to vent.
Thanks again to those who still care enough to stick with me through all this bull shit. I promise it’ll be well worth it when I finally have time and money to go on real adventures.
You guys haven’t even see the tip of the iceberg of the kinda whacky fun adventurous nut job I really am.
I miss everything.
soundtrack for today’s blog : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hpkitLUbeEg
Last night I moved out of the Malekko warehouse. Had a few days of hard core realization. It’s hard to describe… but sometimes in my life I have these key moments where old memories and feelings collide with present situations and usually there is a lag of a week or so, and then ZANG… life changing realization.
I felt like moving into a warehouse with my ol’ pal Josh was a good idea. I felt as though it’d be good to be around someone else in the same industry… share resources… I could learn from him (he is more successful than I)… maybe be a bit more social since I know that is something he excels in.
… and it definitely felt good for a week… but then the memories came. The feeling came… and the realization came.
I’m not ready to be social… even with old friends. Especially with old friends. Josh knew me back in the day. Back during the dark times *dramatic music*… and it’s not exactly an easy thing to be around on a day to day basis… a living remnant of a horror laden former life… no matter how goofy and relatively open minded that remnant might be (love ya Josh).
So yeah… I kind of shoved myself out the door and hoped for the best. It’s funny too, because even my Mother (my greatest giver of good advice these daze) suggested I just do it on a trial basis… but as with anything I do, I was gung-ho guns-a-blazing. Also, it’s kinda hard to trial-basis a business which requires having a room full of parts and equipment on hand.
In hindsight I guess I could have just brought a little bit of work to do for a few days and saw what it was like to be out of the house for 8 hours at a time, but I dunno… I have my business so efficiently organized that I really do need all the parts and pieces nearby to get any work done, otherwise I might as well be goofing off at home.
So yeah… moved in my entire operations to the Malekko warehouse… had a good first few days, albeit a little shaky start… and then things just felt off, and then things fell apart, and it really occurred to me that my original year-long plan made a lot more sense in my own space, where I could more easily work my own crazy hours… taking breaks when I needed to relieve stress by simply walking in the next room to play drums, write music, play with my cats, etc.
I mean… there will come a time when I will want to go on tour, or hang out and be social on a more regular basis… but I’ll still have the pedal business, and I’ll still feel best doing that kind of thing in my own space.
… and there’s more to it. I know it sounds kinda silly, but I hate the though of my cats being alone so much. I kinda have this daydream / goal of buying a house in the next year or two and eventually meeting friends who are as active as artists as I am and having them live at my place. I love the idea of a tiny collective with people I trust, with maybe one person’s job to simply take care of the place (and the kittens), so if I need to head off and do a crazy adventure, there will be someone here.
Daydreaming only of course… because at this point I can hardly imagine meeting new people, let alone friends I’d trust enough to live me and take care of my cats while I’m away.
I dunno. Biggest realization of all is that I’ve still got a lot of internal bull shit to sort out on top of the life / biz bull shit I need to stay on top of, before I can start thinking about integrating my life with other peoples’.
… and thusly the dark times roll on.
So… I’m slowly losing it.
For those who don’t know, I was born without female reproductive organs. A total bummer, because I’m pretty sure I’d have a kid otherwise. But having known most of my life that that wasn’t a possibility, I think I’ve resigned myself to a childless life to the point I don’t even want to consider adoption.
There was this brief relationship I had around 2000 with an incredibly fascinating woman who was raising a 4 year old daughter with the help of her mother. We became so close I actually was entrusted with the little girl a few times and I adored her so. The time wasn’t right for me to be in such a relationship though… not ready for the responsibilities of parenthood, and looking back now, I think that was the only window that had opened in regards to such things.
Who knows… maybe medical science will keep me youthful and restore the fertility which fate robbed from me.
Anyhow. Lacking such vital reproductive organs, providers of such wondrous chemicals that mean as much to personal physical development as much as a newborn’s, you can imagine my life has been pretty FUCKED when it comes to hormonal imbalances and how such things can ravage one’s body.
So… over the years I’ve been doing what needs to be done to restore balance, and things seemed to be going well recently after some rough bumps in the road here and there with trying a few new things to keep it all running smoothly.
But now things are FUCKED once again.
In a nut shell it goes like this : I’ve been hormonally fucked most of my life due to ignorance and a blind-eye turned on me by my parents (I blame the south, because they ultimately do love me and would have done more at earlier age if they had been better educated in such things). About 10 years ago I took it upon myself to get things in balance and had been on a self-medicated regimen for a few years till I finally started trying to find doctors who could help me.
Unfortunately, living in the south meant I had to find some experienced specialists, which were hard to come by. I had to drive 500 miles (round trip) every month for a year to get things headed in the right direction hormonally. Even then I didn’t feel great about the treatment, but I definitely felt better than before. I think I was a little too trusting of their “expertise” and looking back I wish I had been a little bit more pro-active in the process rather than sitting back and letting them “do there thing” with me.
So I get into a routine with them… they get me setup with a system to a point where I don’t have to drive all the way to the doctor’s office to keep everything headed in the right direction.
Fast forward a few years (2005 or 2006) and I’m off to the west coast. During a brief stay in the bay area I self medicate again to keep my hormones in balance (once again, not really knowing the numbers, but feeling good none-the-less… it’s amazing the difference the right hormones in one’s body can make… sometimes I think suicidal / depressed / manic folks just need to get their hormones in line).
Eventually I find out that there are local clinics who can help with such things, and I get set up with a prescription, but again, I don’t feel great about the quality of service, but at least I’m not ordering my medication from over seas.
Fast forward a little further… it’s around 2007 or so and I’m settling into Portland and god bless there are a few well recommended general practitioners who have experience with my kind of hormonal fuck-upery and I get settled into a regimen again, but this time with plenty of blood work and analysis to make sure everything is order.
A “standard” range of estrogen level is anywhere between 50 and 300 or so. Mine tended to hover around 30 or 60, but my mood was good and I wasn’t having any other ill effects, so I never considered trying to get the levels higher… especially because fucking around with hormone medication can lead to bad side effects, such as stroke… but thankfully I’m young and healthy, so regardless, I’m not at risk.
So, in case I wasn’t clear, to keep my estrogen level normal, I take estrogen pills. This is what most women go through when their reproductive system begins to shut down later in life… but of course since I was born with out one in the first place, I’ve been experiencing menopause horrors long before most women even daydream of such things.
Anyhow… a few months ago I was getting frustrated by the fact that I kept forgetting to take my pills, so I decided to investigate the possibility of getting estrogen shots. See, the thing about estrogen shots is you do it once every week or two and that’s that.
So I gave it a try.
… and it sucked. First of all, you have to realized, we’re talking about SELF INJECTING a nearly TWO INCH, relatively large gauge needle into your thigh. And I’m not talking about a simple jab-and-done. You have to make sure everything is clean, you have to make sure you don’t hit a blood vessel, and then the viscous liquid the estrogen is in takes a few seconds to be pushed through the needle deep into the muscle of your thy.
Look… I realize people have to do this shit all the time to survive for other medical conditions… but I don’t, and it fucking sucked. When it’s life or death I will shut the fuck up and make it happen, but since it’s not necessary, it sucked.
Not only did I not look forward to each time I had to self inject… but my body didn’t react very well at the injection site. My leg would bruise easily and I usually had a limp for a few days.
Then of course there was the fact that as the hormones dissipate, I’d get all moody for a few days before the next injection.
Pills on the other hand is a nice and steady release so I never have to be hormonal.
So anyhow… I get on the injectable for about a month, get sick of the routine and decide to get back on the pills.
Now, of course, since I’m going to a better doctor these daze (god bless portland), I get some blood work done just to make sure everything is okay.
…. and so yeah, remember… I’m normally at around 30 or 60… “normal” is 50-400…
So what is my estrogen level?
1,800
Yeah… let me say that again.
1,800
1-800-hly-fuck
1800 was the year the world population reached nearly 1 billion people
Anyhow.
Yeah.
I was wondering why my boobs were so sore (and had gotten kinda bigger… swollen, but nice to be a little bigger for a while).
… and no wonder I was moody for that month.
Any-who.
So needless to say I got back on the pills… but we decided to up my dosage a little, since I was always hovering a little towards the low end of the scale before.
… also needless to say, I was scheduled to get my bloodwork done again in a month to make sure my hormone levels were back to less crazy numbers.
So why the crazy numbers? Well… there were a lot of ideas… and now that I think about it… I don’t really know. Once again… not really paying attention to everything as much as I probably should… trusting my doctor with all the medical stuff… but now that I think about it… kinda weird how I trust them so much. I guess I feel like it’s out of my hands… they are the expert… and so far they’ve treated me well (and a lot better than past doctors).
I was under the impression that the level involving the injectables were some kind of fluke, and things would be back to normal again while on the pills.
… so a month goes by, and I’ve been regularly taking the pills and feeling good again… my boobs become less sore (and less swollen) and in general I’m feeling great.
I get my blood work done, and am excited to see if the higher dosage of pills is bringing my estrogen level up to a more nominal level.
Now let me take a moment here to stress the fact that the higher dosage of pills was in relation to my original pill regimen which was providing me only a 30-60 range of estrogen. The 1,800 level was associated with the injectables which isn’t an exact science, but SHOULD have been around the same dosage as what was putting me at 30-60. So the reason we increased the pill dosage was based on the previous pill-based numbers and had nothing to do with the injectables.
SO… all that being said, I get my blood work done with the only slightly higher level of pill-based-hormonal-wonder and my bloodwork comes back…
1,900
1-900-WTF-OMFG
In 1900 a powerful hurricane hits Galveston, TX killing nearly 10,000 people.
So yeah.
My doctor : “I have no idea what is going on. I’ve even called around to get other people’s thoughts.”
Could be a fluke in the testing. Could be a weird body-not-metabolizing the hormones for some reason or something. Could be things I have no idea what is going on about.
Biggest deal of all : High estrogen level = higher chance of stroke.
… but all my other bodily stats are great and healthy, so she’s not horribly concerned about stroke. I am. So we decide to completely cut out the hormones for a month, and do blood work again.
That was about a week ago.
I’ve been with out estrogen before. Most of my life. It was hell. I’ve come off them a few times since realizing I could be on them in the first place. Was a necessary thing to do before some surgeries I’ve undergone (stroke risk, etc). That was hell too.
So here I am… the same familiar feelings returning. Gut wrenching anxiety. Desperate inability to focus. Fake smile. Piercing dullness. Always hungry. Inspired but no motivation to follow through.
Thankfully I know this is temporary. Thankfully I can cope with out being self destructive. I peer into the void… dip down into it… sink my teeth in… curl my toes in the black mire… and bathe my head in the curling fire and find a strange comfort here.
Strength in the chaos. Embracing the manic tangles of energy that lap at every fiber of my being, desperately clinging onto what they can to try and break me apart… but I stay as one whole, because unlike before, I know who I am and nothing can take that away from me.
No chemical castration owns me.
Soundtrack for this blog : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=avU2aarQUiU
Fuckin’ listen to that organist. Holy shit.
The universe has told me to stop over complicating things.
I really wanted to start working on recording music again. You know… sit down and get some good heavy production going… but my house doesn’t feel like a place I can do that anymore.
“You should set up your studio at the warehouse,” suggested Lara.
“I would, but then I’d never see my cats again,” was my reply.
Gray looks at me with her sad little eyes as I was about to type : I wish I had never gotten these stupid cats.
Seriously. Truth be told they are more of a fulcrum in my life than I’d ever imagined. They limit me immensely. I can’t get just any apartment (I’ve been considering moving into a cheaper place). I can’t easily room mate with someone (I’d heavily consider living in a multi-person situation if it weren’t for not trusting people with my cats). I can’t spend too much time away from home otherwise three of my cats will torture to death Grey. I can’t pick up and travel on a moments notice, even though I now have a car, without making some kind of plans to have someone house sit who I trust (which would only be Lara and she has her own life to take care of), or to hire a cat sitter (which is expensive + back to I trust few people with my pets).
The last time I was in a situation like this, I had been moving around with two cats for over half a year or so and finally gave them away to some house mates I had been living with for a few months. I knew it was going to eventually happen and had been preparing myself for a few months to become emotionally detached from the kitties. Sid and Nancy were their names… brother and sister. I hardly remember anything about them now. Almost like I never spent all that time with them. :(
Grey, TJ, Silver, and Sammy are different. I’ve had Silver and Sammy for… good god… five or six years now; Grey and TJ for about two or three years.
They’ve become so integral into my day to day routine, and this whole taking my work out of my home is really fucking with my head.
A part of me sees it as a necessary step in breaking the emotional bond I have with my kitties. I know it might sound crazy, but leaving them alone all day makes me really sad… like, I wonder if they are okay with out me around. Especially TJ and Grey. Silver and Sammy have always just kinda done their own thing… but TJ is always bugging me to play with her, and Grey relies on me to protect her from the other kitties.
So it’s been weird to only spend what seems like 1/8th the time I normally spend with them, and not exactly the casual quality time I had with them when I was working at home.
I never wanted my life to be so fucking domesticated. I got Silver and Sammy right as I was first starting to take the business seriously back in Austin. I knew I was in it for the long haul… yet not really thinking as hard as I should have about my future. Just taking things as they came, and having cats seemed like a good idea, especially since they were rescued kitties my brother had picked up.
Then Grey and TJ fell into my life when I thought I was building a life-long relationship with that girl I was with for three years. Being with her, having cats, just doing whatever… it seemed like a good deal at the time.
… but with her gone, and me taking my life more serious than ever, I knew one day I’d have to take care of the cat situation.
In my mind there were three possibilities :
1) I’d buy a house, and if I ever needed to leave (in my mind this meant as a touring musician), I’d hire a cat sitter or have a friend I trusted house sit.
2) Make it big, or just be crazy, and have a nice touring van / bus / RV that my cats could live with me in and I could take them wherever I went. Downside to this was the possibility of a wreck, or someone leaving the door open, or attempting to break in probably being greater (obviously) than in a house, and the cats escaping or dieing in the process (you wouldn’t believe how often I have nightmares about this).
3) End up room-mating with someone who I trusted to take care of my pets while I was away, and maybe even eventually hand them off to them permanently.
I like #3 a lot. I’d love my cats to be loved and taken care of by someone who has more time for them than I. I think more than anything that’s what I’m concerned about.
Hell, I used to hardly care what happened to me if I died, but just his year I wrote up a kind of miniature “will” and sent it to the people I trusted, mainly to make sure that my cats were taken care of, just in case I’m not the center of everything and that the little fuckers really do exist out there beyond me. (as grey stares at me with her curious green eyes).
So back to the problem at hand. The scenario that never came up in my mind was this whole working away from home thing, where I’m not around my cats like I used to be, but don’t exactly have them “out from under me” quite yet.
It’s a perfect metaphor for where I’m at in general right now. I actually took on EXTRA responsibility (financially) by moving my work space out of the house and buying a car… and it seems even triply so since all the money I’m paying in rent isn’t quite as enticing now that my place is practically empty, and having a car makes the location not as important.
So priorities are shifting and I have to figure out how I’m fitting in the new responsibilities and evolve the old ones such that everything evens out.
I’ve been second guessing my moving the business out of the house, which I knew I would, but I know it’s the right thing to do, because working around another person in the same biz as myself can only benefit me, and I’m still a few years away from getting -that- particular responsibility out from under me.
I’d love to feel sexual again and have someone under me.
Yup… the pills must be working (don’t freak out… just melatonin and 5htp).
until nextime
Soundtrack for this blog : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n8v486aUYu0
B-side for this blog’s soundtrack : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=naPgrhX6rIk
So.
Last week I only had six tattoos, was working from home, using public transportation, staying up till 3am, and only had one person building pedals for me.
Now I have eight tattoos (plus more colour), work in a warehouse, own a car, am going to bed at midnight, and have two people building pedals for me, plus a good friend to bounce ideas off of in terms of keeping the business running smoothly.
I didn’t have to do any of these things. Everything was working fine really, but I could feel it. Time to get out of my comfort zone and shake things up a bit.
So far so good. Biggest downside thus far… my cats… and my music.
My cats… what can I say? It’s been nearly a decade since I had to leave home for 8-9 hours at a time for a job. So as you can imagine I’ve grown quite used to having my four little fur balls around all the time. Truth be told, my heart is breaking in a lot of ways, but I knew I had to cut the strings eventually, because I want to be a touring musician, and as great as it’d be to have a big ol’ tour bus and bring my cats along, I just don’t think it’s practical in the short term when I’m sure I’ll be driving in a tiny van with stinky boys and the like. :p
Thankfully I can bring Grey with me to work, though I’m considering only doing it on occasion, and maybe not even at all. Today I brought her with me and the car ride wasn’t exactly pleasant, plus she was freaking out all day at work.
… and that brings me to my second dilemma … which is life at home now that work is out of my house.
Like… what does that even mean? I can already feel the energy shifting in the house…. the cats are off doing their own thing, I think a little pissed I was gone all day, where as usually they’d be all over me for affection. A lot of their little comfort-zone-areas are gone because they were nooks and crannies associated with my work setup.
… and with work gone, I can’t nervously be productive, so instead I’m sitting here facing my fears and demons and bull shit. I want to spend my free time working on music, but there’s just something weird about having such a huge place and I’m only really using maybe 1/8th of the space for music and the usual “living” bull shit us humans go through.
All of a sudden the rent I’m paying here doesn’t seem quite worth it, and the idea of moving is distracting me from getting any music done. My instinct is to reorganize the house so I feel like I’m using the space more efficiently… which strangely enough I think means moving my bed into the living room where my music stuff is and then pretty much emptying out the two bedrooms. lol
Now that I think about it… pretty much setting myself up for potentially living in a studio apartment; which I would totally do in a heart beat if it weren’t for the fact I love this place because of the fact I can be really fucking loud playing drums, singing, and guitar during the day, and even late at night usually (minus the drums).
If I could find a more affordable place in this area of town that was smaller but I could still be loud (plus could have my four cats), I’d do it in a heart beat.
Going back to my cat-attachment problems and solutions to this, I realize I could probably move my music crap to the warehouse, which honestly is what feels really right on one level, but then I’d end up spending all day there, and only come home to sleep… and my cats would be all alone most of the time… and I’m already having issues being away from them for 8 hours a day, let alone all day. :/
Blarg. :/
I guess for now I’ll just do the sudo-studio setup here. Maybe clean up my place as though I’m ready to move somewhere else (i.e. take down posters, sell off shit I don’t need, clean up the empty rooms)… and then just feel it out from there.
Today was kinda my “official” first day working at the office, though it was only a half day, so we’ll see how I feel after doing this for a week… I don’t even know if I’ll be able to deal with a “9-to-5″ schedule, or if I’ll just go work at the office whenever I’m in the mood like I would normally do at home… lol.
Anywho… I’ll post pictures of the new place and my new car and fried octopus and shtuff as soon as internet is setup as the warehouse.
Until then.
Soundtrack for this blog : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K0CP9RVvm_4
I am sad. I don’t talk about it much anymore because I’m generally happy… but today… today the sadness has returned.
Am actively ramping up the business; taking away from the music. Good with the bad. Dunno if I said this recently, but pretty much what has been going on is I took to heart some advice a good biz-friend of mine gave me. He said my business is what is going to provide the support to make my dreams come true… and it’s true, because I have pretty big dreams that are going to require some serious moolah.
Anyhow… so I have more money now than I’ve ever had in my life, which isn’t saying a lot, but it’s something…. and now I’ve got serious decisions to make, and they’ve been made. I’m funneling all my time and money back into the business… making a massive push to take it to the next level.
Though the great thing is, I’ve become so experienced at running the biz, and so much more disciplined at organizing my time (hell, I’m even on a regular sleeping schedule now!), that by god, I think I’ll still have time for music!
… but first thing is first … I gotta get caught up with production. This is key. This is the thing my biz-friend has been pushing me for for years now, and this is the thing I know I should have taken care of long before that.
[ side not : sorry if I seem particularly scatter brained in this blog post.... just got new tattoos and didn't get much sleep last night ]
So yeah… I’ve always had a 1-3 month turn around time with building guitar pedals. That means anytime a retailer places an order, it takes about that long to get them pedals… the reason being because of high demand, which is great, but more-so because I’ve never funneled enough time and money back into the business.
Ha ha. That’s not to say I’ve been a total slacker either! I’ve had responsibilities outside the biz + a three year relationship I tried to make work along the way, so… it’s a growing process.
But the time is now and there’s no time like the present… blah blah blah.
God I hate my life. I mean… it’s funny. I obviously love my life and am thankful for the opportunities the biz provides me… but I hate my life because this isn’t me… I’m not some loner who sits in a house with four cats, hardly seeing the sun, rarely talking to people… friendless… watching TV all day… browsing the internet for amusement during the in between moments.
Have lived this lief for so long it’s become habit and now I’m breaking it… parts of it… smiling a lot more when I talk to people… giving myself time for conversation… opening up to could-be-friends a little moar… replacing those in-between moments with music as much as I can…
… but this is still not my life yet. I’m not domesticated. I’m like a wolf mending her wounds in an animal shelter until I can be released back into the wild.
I can’t wait to be wild again.
Sweet mother.
Here’s the soundtrack for this week’s blog : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4XhWALgd18
So I almost bought a house… but it turns out the people selling it were crooks, and fortunately I am a smart little girl and had a lawyer take a look at things before signing anything or spending any money.
The interesting thing is, the series of tiny events that occurred in my head leading me up to the decision to try and buy this house and pretty much completely changed what I am doing the next five years.
Actually, I take that back… it’s all pretty much the same…. get -really- financially set and work my ass off to get my music career off the ground.
I’m still not sure if Portland is the place for me, but I’m giving this place five years and then we’ll see what happens. :)
So yeah… releasing some new pedals for the pedal biz.
( in case you are actually listening to frail and bedazzled, it’s probably off by now, so here’s some more music to listen to : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CgryioWreus )
Retailers are placing orders left and right recently + following some great advice from a pedal business friend I’ve decided to commit a large some of time and money towards getting something taken care of that will help me and the biz. :D
… but all of that equals music being on the back burner again. I feel like I’ve said this before… who knows.
Anyhow… so I still want to release This Too Shall Pass on vinyl along with one or two other songs I have yet to record (or write… lol)… if you haven’t heard the song yet, it’s available at my music page and you can now buy it through amazon or itunes and well as bandcamp.
Go! Listen! Support my music career by paying the less-than-a-dollar for the frickin’ song!
Yeah… I know I’m being pretty redundant about this… but you guys gotta realize that there are new people reading these every week… so I gotta keep reminding, because I’m like at the very bottom right now… so I gotta fight for it!
Anyhow… so I actually have some money to invest in the vinyl, but once again really need to have the time to finish recording some new material for the release… which at this point is determined on whether or not something Lara is working on pans out which will help me get this other thing taken of that will ultimately lead to me being able to spend more time on the music career and less time having to build pedals. :)
For those who don’t know, Lara is my friendly pedal building contractor who I’m also kinda friends with. :)
Anyhow… somehow this reminded me that the flea problem I had with my cats seems to be gone (finally), but now Gray (my eldest) is having some serious wheezing problems as well as a weird lump on her chin…. which really terrifying because she had a tumor I had to get removed a year or two ago, but it was somewhere that wasn’t so vital like her chin is vital. :(
I have an appointment soon though, so hopefully the vet can tell me she is okay and just needs some asthma medication. :)
I know I’m all over the place with this blog, and I had originally intended on having more structured updates every week, but you know what…. that’s just not me… so on with the random.
I’ve been really inspired watching Kathy Griffin’s life on the D List “reality show” which is more like a documentary… I always associate reality show with contests or something… which speaking of I’ve fallen in love with Design Star where interior designers battle for a chance to host their own show on the home and garden network (I think).
ANYWAYS…. I’ll be honest, as much as I love TV, and it’s great to help me get through the long daze of pedal building, I’ll be glad when I know less about celebrities and more about recording / performing music and running my own little art empire.
Speaking of, I’m still uploading songs from my past up to soundcloud. Even though I’m charging for the new shit, the old shit is free (for now).
For those unfamiliar with SoundCloud, it’s kinda like youtube for music… but better. :)
If you got to my page here : http://soundcloud.com/deviever
… there are a few options. The “sets” tab is all my songs arranged according to my liking. All the old songs are under the demons (1996-2010) set…. and then there are sets for a few other things which should kinda be self explanatory.
You’ll notice next to the songs are little arrows. The ones that point down are for downloading the track. The arrows pointing right are to go to that track’s home page where you can find more detailed info, like my little brief description about why / when / what the track was written for.
Anywho… if you just want to stop by and see what’s the latest thing I’ve uploaded you can click on the tracks tab, or go here : http://soundcloud.com/deviever/tracks
… and that has all my tracks organized by latest upload.
Just browse around and get a feel for it. The website is great and I don’t plan on stopping using it anytime soon… so if you want to find my music go there!!!
Also I’m trying to make my “official” music page a little more functional : http://music.deviever.com/
God… it’s like starting the pedal business all over again… I’ve still got a long climb to the top…. OH, but yeah, so Kathy Griffin is really inspiring to me, because even though she’s got a hit TV show and lives in a 4 million dollar mansion, she’s a fuckin’ self-made working artist with a great work ethic and I totally respect and am inspired by her success over the past few years.
Oh, and she’s not ashamed of having a little cosmetic surgery, which I know someday I’ll probably be getting as I get older… that is until they have the robot bodies available. :)
Anyhow… I know this blog hasn’t exactly been thrilling, but I really do want to try and do some kind of little update every week.
Until the next time,
devi-
P.S. If you’re not already involved, please come join the devi ever : forum. I’ve recently expanded it to host an amazing array of topics and there is some really great little discussions brewing about everything from religion to shoes!
This is the soundtrack for today’s blog.
You said you loved it more than ever.
Woke up feeling anxious this morning. Ready to get to work. Ready to get this shit taken care of.
The fleas have returned. Not sure where they are in the house because the flea traps catch nothing, but the cats… they have them. Immediately cleaned my bed and sheet and such. Will have the cat lady stop by to give them all baths in about a week or two. Meanwhile OCDevi takin’ moments out to comb the fleas from them and crush the little fuckers with my bare hands.
Domesticated life is bliss. Cows with guns, etc.
So a few things for those who don’t know. I’m getting facial surgery in November and am scrambling to make around $30k so I don’t have to push the surgery date back. Feeling really regretful for taking off the past two weeks to focus on music, but also feeling really inspired on finding where music plays a roll in my life during these dark times of work and work.
Somewhere along the way I decided it was a good idea to buy a $3k guitar, but I don’t regret that either, because it’s something I’ve always wanted, and if I work hard and sell off a bunch of gear I’m not using, it should be no problem. Weird to say that buying an expensive guitar like that is no problem.
Lastly with the updates, and this is something I can’t stress enough how excited I am about, I have made what I keep calling my “first official release” available for purchase online. It’s a song called This Too Shall Pass, and I will tell you more about why it is important to me right after you listen to it.
There have been a few times in the past I put up old demo’s for sale. I had two compilations called “demons” and “1997″ available via itunes for a while. They were collections of old unfinished work though, and I never felt really good about them being real “albums”, so I eventually took them down.
Of course recently I’ve been posting a new song everyday from those collections (and more) under the name of demons again, but this time they’re available for free, and I’m enjoying sharing stories about each one as they are made available… but they’re nothing I would call official.
… and what does that even mean these days? I mean, anyone can write a demo or a record or a goofy track or a heartfelt head fuck and put it online in an heart beat and what makes than any more special than anything else anyone is putting up.
Eye meet beholder, etc.
Here’s the rub though… behind every song, regardless of the why’s and what-nots… there is a person (or people) and there is a connection there that means something substantial. In this case, This Too Shall Pass is the first song I’ve ever written that really meant something important to me and that I was ultimately satisfied with the form of the final piece. It’s funny too, because part of my satisfaction comes from my own frustration with knowing that I could have made the track better. Could have played the drums a little better. Could have spent a few days on serious production.
Instead, I let it be. There’s only four tracks (digital, but a great throw back to early recording none the less!)… the original live acoustic / vocal track. Two backing vocals…. and then drums. Recorded not long after I wrote the lyrics… written not long after seeing the documentary that inspired the song (go watch it!).
I feel like This Too Shall Pass is the first time everything just worked, even in it’s rough form, and because of that I am proud to make the track available for actual sale… to call it my first release. To show to the world.. “Hey! This is my music! I’m going to do more of this shit!” … and even though it’s small, simple, noisy… I believe in it. I believe in it more than the fact only one person has actually paid the 75 cents to download the track, or the fact only 28 people have listened to it all the way through…. lulz… check out the band camp stats.
Honestly though, those percentages are exciting in my book. I mean, I only have a few hundred people following me on facebook, no doubt mainly from my pedal biz… and I only just really started promoting my music the past month… so believe me, I’m not complaining. :)
Anyhow. I believe so much in this song and where I am headed, I’m going to be releasing This Too Shall Pass on mother fucking vinyl. 500 copies will be pressed just as soon as I work out the details. Can’t fucking wait. (get on the mother fucking email list for updates)
So, that aside, I’m excited about doing this some moar. As most of you probably know, I’ve actually been hard at work on a fully produced song, called Arial, of which I’ve been documenting the songwriting process via soundcloud. Unfortunately the production / process has slowed down a bit because of having to get back into serious guitar pedal production again, but I’m still working on the song when I can. Right now it’s mainly the lyrics that are holding me back. I’ve been singing in the shower and humming to myself, slowly putting together the first verse, but I’m having a little trouble. Hard to focus when so much life responsibility is in the way… but I’m excited I’m at least still kinda working on it. :)
If you haven’t clicked on the page and listened to the progress of Arial thus far, at least give the most recent demo a listen. I’m massively in love with the way the guitar line is coming together. Can’t wait to flesh it out some moar.
arial – even better drums, rough riff / backing vox mix by deviever
In other music related news I purchased a new tom drum after finding out having one above the snare makes playing Smashing Pumpkins drum lines a hell of a lot easier. Also got my first tiny splash cymbal which has definitely given drumming a little more character. Now all I need is a gong! Some people say a china cymbal as well, but I dunno…
I was going to write more about sex and old friendship and memories and skating rinks and first concerts… but I’m all written out for now and need to go build pedals.
So… final reminders… This Too Shall Pass is available for download for only 75 cents. 7″ vinyl version (includes never before heard bonus track which I will be recording very soon which will blow your mother fucking mind). I have a mailing list specifically for devi ever : music / art in case you want updates specifically on those things.
… and that’s about it for now!
much love,
devi-
p.s. for those random people who don’t know, I’m constantly updating on facebook (or twitter).
